


needy

by jilylicious



Series: it's a mood, it's a vibe, it's a look, it's a match [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Inspired by an Ariana Grande Song, M/M, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-26 12:53:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17746259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jilylicious/pseuds/jilylicious
Summary: It would have been funny if it wasn’t so tragic.tw: death mention





	needy

“We can’t have a screaming match like this every single fucking day Sirius,” said Remus calmly. It was as if it wasn’t them who were on the edge of throwing each other whatever they can get their hands on, as if it wasn’t them who just said those cruel words. Calm like the wind outside but you never knew when it would change its mind either. 

“You could just tell me where you disappear to and we wouldn’t have to,” replied Sirius with the same tone. As if he hadn’t just blamed him for cheating on him. “You aren’t paying me attention, you’re leaving me alone and I’m just supposed to roll with it? Are you even aware what’s going on? I need you close, I need your presence to deal with whatever I’m feeling at the moment.”

“Yes,” hissed Remus. “You’re way too damn needy Sirius, that’s your problem.”

“And that’s a  _problem_  for you now?” asked Sirius incredulously. “I thought it made you feel good feeling needed. I can be needy, I never said I wasn’t but maybe you should take into consideration what I am--  _we are_  going through at the moment.”

“You don’t think I am?”

“No I don’t,” replied Sirius. “If you did, you would be transparent with me and I wouldn’t have to worry about where you go off to, I wouldn’t have to ask James or Peter if they have seen you recently. I wouldn’t have to stay awake for 40 hours to see you walk alive through that bloody door.”

“I  _told_  you before,” enunciated Remus as if he was talking to a toddler. “I can’t tell you.”

“Ah Remus,” began Sirius. “You see... after all these years lying about what you are, one would think you would be a better liar but alas, you are a  _terrible_  one. It’s not that you  _can’t_  tell me, it’s that you  _won’t_  tell me which makes me think, well, that in the middle of the war my so-called boyfriend is cheating on me.”

“You know what?” growled the werewolf. “If that’s what you want to believe in, I don’t care anymore. I’m tired of this argument. If you don’t have anything else to say, I think I’ll stay at Pete’s tonight.”

Sirius sat down on the couch in their living room and put his head between his hands. He knew he didn’t want to let Remus go but he wasn’t sure if he could keep up this façade about being nonchalant. What Sirius didn’t want to admit to himself was far worse than Remus cheating on him, he wouldn’t dare say out loud what his mind was suggesting about the mole in the Order. 

Remus, on the other hand, had his eyes fixed on his boyfriend who had a point but on Remus’ defense, he had made a promise to Dumbledore and even if he didn’t, he wouldn’t have risked telling Sirius in fear of retaliation against him. What Sirius said about him being a cheater wasn’t what bothered Remus because he couldn’t see something worse hiding behind Sirius’ grey eyes that Remus couldn’t figure out just yet. What Remus knew, however, was that he missed Sirius and missed being in his orbit because Sirius needed him, he was right Remus loved feeling needed because he never thought he would feel that with him being one of the unwanted members of the Wizarding society. 

They had gotten used to screaming matches but they had also gotten sued to silence, too. Sirius had gotten used to it in Remus’ absence, Remus had gotten used to it because he was alone most of the time. No one would say it was a comfortable silence but it was a habitual one.

Remus’ voice was hoarser and the circles around Sirius’ eyes seemed darker. What they didn’t realise in their silence was that both of them were long gone from the little apartment they were supposedly living in. Just because they were inside didn’t mean their souls were there. Sirius’ had left after he received that bloody letter from his mother and Remus’ had left the moment he stepped into the lair of Greyback. All they had to do was speak to each other but it seemed as though they didn’t have words, not for each other at least.

It had always been Sirius who broke the silence but he seemed reluctant today, it took him longer than usual to speak today and his silence was louder than all the shouting from before.

“I-I’ll admit I’m messed up”, he whispered, his eyes fixed on the floor. It wasn’t a secret but that didn’t make saying it out loud any easier. “But you aren’t making this any easier for me.”

“You think you’re the only one this is affecting?” yelled Remus in reply. “Don’t you think, for a fucking moment that maybe you’re being SELFISH? That maybe I need help as well.”

“THEN FUCKING  _TALK_  TO ME!” shot back Sirius as he threw his hands up in defeat. “I lost my brother Remus, someone in my bloodline was  _murdered_. I cannot control my emotions; I am alright one moment then drowning in guilt the other. I feel like I can’t even walk outside of this door because I’m so afraid but five seconds later, I feel like I can take Voldemort out by myself. Maybe I  _am_  selfish but you know what? After all the shit I went through, I am willing to let myself have that. I’m sorry I need the one person who can help me right now by my side. I’m genuinely sorry. You make me wish I didn’t need you.”

Sirius remembered all the times Remus needed him, he remembered all the times he spent by his bedside for him to wake up after full moons, how Remus wouldn’t be able to move a muscle and how he would take care of the boy, not because he  _had_  to but because he wanted to. He had never noticed how he thought it was Remus who needed him but it was the other way around. 

It would have been funny if it wasn’t so tragic. 

Sirius was needy and he accepted that but what he needed the most was the high he got from feeling needed by Remus and ever since Remus started disappearing on the full moons, and other days, he didn’t get that feeling. He had disappointed one person who needed him and he had ended up dead with his body nowhere to be found and Sirius didn’t want to live through that again, not with his Moony. 

“I’m going over to James’,” announced Sirius. “I remember how good it feels to be needed, I hope it’s enough to make you change your mind about telling me your secret. I hope  _I’m_  enough.”

“Sirius,” mumbled Remus as he reached for his hand but Sirius pulled his hand away and disapparated on the spot leaving Remus’ hand hanging.


End file.
